![]() We rush to touch our most sensitive areas we rely on specific fantasies we resort to what we know. Because of this, we engage in self-pleasure using similar techniques. We're conditioned to experience sex (both partnered and solo) as linear, with orgasm being the goal. Mindful self-pleasure opens us up to experiencing pleasure specific to our body, which often differs from our default masturbation patterns. For example, various studies show that people of all genders struggle to correctly identify the vulva and the vagina. For many of us, our understanding of our genitalia comes from dated textbooks, pop culture, and pornography. Moreover, every sex organ experiences stimulation and pleasure uniquely. Vulvas and penises come in an array of sizes, shapes, and colors. All bodies, intimate parts included, are different. Self-pleasure is beautiful in that it invites us to get acquainted with our physical selves. We remain present in the mind and grounded in the physical experience, and our only goal is to focus on the moment and how our body feels. Taking it one step further, mindful self-pleasure begins when we experience our bodies without judgment or expectation. Likewise, self-pleasure defines the act in terms of self-exploration as an embodied and present experience. "Self-pleasure" better expresses what masturbation has to offer, and it accurately alludes to the voluntary practice of caring for one's sexual desires-it’s a complete reframing of how I used to view masturbation and pleasure as a teenager. ![]() How can we know what is ‘natural' for us when we are treated as unnatural for wanting our lust, our freedom, the music of our bodies?"Īs I’ve spent years unraveling the narratives I grew up with, I’ve wanted to find a better word for "masturbation." While part of me has wished to reclaim it and shout from the rooftops that it's something healthy and normal, I’ve also found myself agreeing with those who want to challenge the term and move away from its male- and penis-biased nature, as is common in media and pop culture. "Women are said to have lower sex drives than men, yet they are universally punished if they display evidence to the contrary-if they disobey their 'natural' inclinations towards a stifled libido. In " Woman: An Intimate Geography," Natalie Angier writes, Shame doesn't discriminate based on gender, language, or culture-though, in terms of masturbation, women have suffered significantly in feeling ashamed about our bodies. Not everyone experiences it, but enough of us do. Sexual shame is something many of us have in common. To my surprise, I learned I was far from alone in my experience and feelings. I also began to have conversations about desire and arousal with close friends. I started going to therapy and reading recommended books about sex and women’s pleasure. I was desperate for a breakthrough, or at least an outlet and safe space to talk about my shame and how it always seemed to shadow me. I reached a breaking point in my early 20s. I was one of countless women-countless people of all ages, throughout both time and place-learning how to please their bodies, albeit in secret. I was not one woman experiencing arousal and pleasure. More than that, I had needed someone to tell me that my actions and desires were entirely average. I had needed someone to tell me my body-my sexual desires-were healthy and good. A silly notion looking back, but a result of the shame that had rooted itself within me. Years later, when my husband and I struggl e d with sex, I wondered if our problems were consequences for the times I’d masturbated as a teenager. And so I felt alone in my experience, an anomaly. Masturbation, it seemed, was something people with penises did. As for touching your own body, exploring your own intimate areas? That was an act reserved for jokes passed around in the high school halls, boys snickering about secrets I shouldn’t know about. Sex was to be saved for marriage, I was taught. ![]() Teaching me what they believed to be right and good, my parents repurposed these messages at home around the dinner table. In the 1990s, abstinence-only education was the favored sex education in many parts of the United States. There was nothing more shameful than being alone with my nakedness, with my sexual desires.įor years, I was certain there was something wrong with me, that what I was doing was unhealthy and dirty, a belief rooted in virginity culture and purity messages. How can something feel both good and wrong? I often wondered, clasping my hands in prayer, pleading in the darkness of my bedroom for forgiveness. I only knew what it felt like, the whirlpool of pleasure and shame swirling in my belly as I explored my body in private. I never learned about masturbation, let alone heard the word while growing up, not in my rural Christian corner of America.
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